Rain, rain on my face... hasn't stopped raining for days...

"Don't know whether or not how sad I just got was of my own volition or if I'm just missing the sun. And tomorrow, I know, will be rainy at best and the forecast, I know, says that I'll be depressed. But I'll wait outside hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun. Because on and off, the clouds have fought for control over the sky. And lately the weather has been so bi-polar and consequently, so have I. And the temperature is freezing and then, after dark, there's a cold frost sweeping in over my heart. And we might break up if I don't wake up to the sun."

"Calm the storms that drench my eyes, dry the streams still flowing. Cast down all the waves of sin and guilt that overthrow me. Lift me up - when I'm falling. Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying. Lift me up - I need you to hold me. Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again."

"I'm not afraid of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work..."

In other news: I got letters yesterday and that completely made my day. Hearing from Kryos was AWESOME and Linny's letter was brilliant.

On top of that, I got this hilarious vid from Ema in a PM the other day: http://www.youtube.com/watchv=LHj1zrjpgKM

and it never fails to make me smile.

Today hasn't been the easiest day in a long time... Today of all days, it had to rain. I wanted to just give up. So much... I couldn't care less how I was just so long as there was nothing dangerous close at hand or I could very quickly go downhill.

And now Hinder is stuck in my head: "You deserve much better than me."

*sighs* I want to be better. I don't know how. I'm too tired to want to know tonight. Tomorrow I'll wake up crying again like usual, but I'll have the strength to want again. That'll be good.

Home?

I'm "home" again... I'm really beginning to wonder if I'll ever find a stable place to call home.

It's home here for the family, for Contra, for all the inside jokes.

It's home in Colorado for CleanPlace, for different inside jokes, for new family.

Home in Georgia for DioM, for even more inside jokes, for different family.

There's home so many places it hurts

so many times that nothing will ever change.

Consistently torn down the middle,

misery eating the glue that holds me together.

But no matter where I run,

no matter where I turn to,

the moon always shines above,

the stars always turn.

Life keeps rolling by

no matter who I'm with,

no matter who I miss,

no matter who I've become.

I can wander through the mountains,

hide atop the trees,

swim in the ocean,

and know the deepest in me.

Yet the road doesn't end,

the forks continue to pierce

someone's heart to bleed

and not always my own.

When will we all be together,

when will you see me and I see you,

when will we fly like eagles,

when will we find home?

ooo... Forest Guard!

Green's coming out, guys! :D It's about time, no? Even more interesting news... Ted Dekker's started this amazing promotion at...

http://forestguard.teddekker.com

Our job is to gather recruits and earn points. After we join the Forest Guard, this is what our assignment looks like.

It’s pretty easy…here’s some things to know and do right away...

1. Email Updates: Add forestguard@gfnhq.com to your address book and watch for our email updates and also keep an eye on the “News” and “Special Missions” sections. We’ll give you new ideas for how you can be participating about once a week.
2. Special Missions: Participate in the special missions we’ll be launching throughout this campaign. Check out the “Special Missions” page to read the latest on those and stay in the loop.
3. Recruits: Learn about recruits under the “Recruits” page and find out why you should start finding your recruits right away.
4. It’s Easy: Just do what you do naturally—talk to your friends and people in your community about Green and the Circle series. Read below to see how to use the cards we’ll send you.
5. Rewards: Check out the amazing rewards available to you for your efforts on the “Rewards” page.
6. Report back: Reports aren’t as intimidating as they sound…it takes about a minute to send in a report and a couple of clicks. Don’t worry…this isn’t like school. But we can’t reward you and give you credit for your work if you don’t tell us about everything you’re doing to get the word out. It’s really important that you go to “Earn My Points” all the time and send in reports about what you’ve done. All rewards will be decided based on your efforts and the points you’ve earned.
7. It’s Up to You: Get creative and have fun! We know you have so many amazing ideas and know about things your friends love lots more than we do. We’re giving you the freedom to be as creative as you want to be.

The whole creative thing is a relief, admittedly, because now I can drop on people's heads all I want. :D :P

Your Primary Mission

Your biggest mission as a Forest Guard member is to help us find new recruits.

What’s a recruit?

A recruit is a new reader of Green and the Circle series.

Each time you find a new recruit, you need to get them to sign-up on the recruit page. When a new recruit signs-up, two things will happen:

1. They will receive exclusive offers on Green and other Ted Dekker books.

2. You will receive 100 points towards the Forest Guard rewards for each new recruit who uses your Forest Guard number.

IMPORTANT THINGS TO REMEMBER ABOUT RECRUITS:

1. Recruits must sign-up at http://teddekker.com/readgreen in order to receive the special offers.

2. You will only get your 100 point credit for the recruits who use your Forest Guard number when they sign-up on that page, so be sure to tell everyone you influence to use your number.

3. Many of the Forest Guard rewards require that you get a certain number of recruits in order to qualify, so be sure to check out the rewards page to find out how many recruits you need based on what prize you hope to earn.

And of course, the rewards page is covered in gifs that I can't put onto my desktop, load to photobucket and put here. <_<>Rewards

BECOME A LIEUTENANT OR CAPTAIN IN THE FOREST GUARD:

Every Forest Guard will have the opportunity to earn the level of Lieutenant or Captain in the Forest Guard.

HOW TO BECOME A LIEUTENANT:

You must receive 600 points including 5 recruits. (You get 100 points for every recruit.)

HOW TO BECOME A CAPTAIN:

You must receive 2000 points including 15 recruits. (You get 100 points for every recruit.)

HOW TO RECEIVE THE FOREST GUARD GRAND PRIZES :
In order to qualify for the Grand Prize, Runner-Up prize, 3rd place and 4th place prizes, you must have at least 50 recruits. Prizes will then go to the hardest working person who has done the best job and has the most points.

Lieutenant: Emailed certificate of lieutenant status, your name in the next Ted Dekker book under the list of Lieutenants.
Captain: Emailed certificate of captain status, your name in the next Ted Dekker book under the list of Captains, an advanced copy of Dekker's next book.
Fourth place: Set of signed Circle series
Third place: Ted Dekker Merchandise super pack... (and there's a lot there, I just can't see what a few of the things are without my glasses... oops?)
Runner up: One of three swords, Ted Dekker Merchandise super pack
Grand prize: Ted Dekker Merchandise super pack, and lunch with Dekker in Austin (trip paid for)

Time to throwdown the challenge... :P Come on. You know you want the shiny sword... ;) and it helps there are books involved...

So go sign up as a recruit, then go join the Forest Guard. "And remember when you've nicked 'im, it was me what told you so" ;) 5684 and don't forget to tell me you joined, so I know who I'm racing against. :P

Life goes on...

Okay, well, life changed quick here... Last post was May 21st. It is June 9th. I don't think I've ever been so thankful for a day to be over. And it wasn't what happened today, just purely the date itself in reference to the past.

I'm now nineteen, practically senile. I have an extreme lack of hair now as seen in above picture (with Blue Monkey). I have been staying in Colorado Springs since Friday afternoon, and will be here until Saturday when Legolas and I head back to Punkin's.

As was threatened, Saturday was my first CO minimoot. On the thirteenth, it will have been a year since I first came to CO to visit for Moot. It's so hard to believe it's been so long, but it's harder to believe it was only a year ago.

And things have really changed.

There's no roadwork up and down Powers, Academy, Austin Bluffs, or Carefree. You can go from the Panera to Pulpit Rock Church without seeing a single roadwork sign. There's snow on Pikes Peak, making it easy to distinguish the mountain from the hills surrounding when there's haze (hey, I don't ALWAYS wear my glasses like I should), and you can see the road up Pikes Peak from the top of the hill near Pulpit Rock, winding. I was able to point out the ridge where the Elf family's car broke down. I could also see the Incline, which I HAVE TO CLIMB... *is swallowing back drool at that challenge* *whistles innocently* Sorry... it's pure awesomeness. MUST CLIMB...

But to top all of that off? The people...

There were sixteen CPers at the minimoot. I knew ten from the Moot last year, the other six joined in the last year. In the last year: Nia was made Admin of CP, Twinkie is more confident in her abilities, Mangy took control of the Serious Talks forum, MOTS went off to Walt Disney World to work and came home again, Yellow Leader got ridiculously tall, Kryos looks his age, Blue Monkey and Dolphin got way too old, and the six CPers that joined us were: Tony Fritz, Frost, Bree, Anywhere, Celeris and Masque.

As proof that nobody looks the same?

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1213256247&v=feed&story_fbid=233661840007#/photo.php?pid=1063095&op=1&o=global&view=global&subj=100000018931137&id=1169496687

That is Blue Monkey and I at Moot. Garden of the Gods, June 14th. Compare with the first photo. I have pictures of the others from Moot and from the minimoot if that's not enough proof for you. :P

Strangely enough, I spent most of my time around some of the people I really didn't spend a ton of time with at Moot: Kryos, Yellow Leader, and AngelJ. That was kind of a shock to me to realize I spent a ton of time around them that day, but hey, we had fun. Especially during Freeze. :D

Sunday, Anywhere was with Mangy and I, then she left at about 11:30 that night to head back home.

Monday... Have I mentioned how much I hate June 8th? It wasn't even a particularly distasteful day in the past. It's just one of those days... :P So Mangy and I spent practically all day on the computer, then turned on "The Lost Room" at about 10. We finished the first disc about 1:45 or so, then I came down here to be sure Anywhere and Daeriel had already gone to bed for the night. I give those two more trouble than they give me, granted, but as the oldest, I still check in. :P

It's just terrifying to me at some points how everything has changed... but so little has at the same time...

In order to make up for the lack of actual posts over the last couple months, I'll share the CP vlogs I did in April as well as one I featured in this Sunday evening. :P I hope you'll forgive my lack of activity eventually. My greatest apologies for the lousy sound... our kids camera was a pain to deal with. Not to mention these are my second, third, fourth, and fifth try at vid editing.

In Date Order:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXa1lnDjmM4 = April 8th
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLirehtxhhk = April 15th
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sosw5MUR7S0 = April 22nd
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SU2lSTRr_V8 = April 29th

And Mangy's vlog this week!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPe4py3Vrao

So yeah. I'll try to do better about actually getting blog posts up. :P Love y'all!

Life "as normal"

So... what IS life like here?

Well... Mondays we typically go to the library. Tuesdays we take Hayden into school, then drop by the grocery store on the way home from picking him up. Wednesdays we usually garden all afternoon. Thursdays and Fridays feel like repeats of Wednesdays. Saturdays Becca sleeps in. Sundays Anders sleeps in.

So that's our basic weekly routine. Thursdays have also become breadbaking days. :P

Hayden, Hailey, and Becca are sick. I was up nearly all last night, half-dead because of being so tired and being incapable of sleeping. When I did sleep, there were nightmares. :P Then Becca brought Hailey in to me and asked if I could get her to take a nap... it was about 11 at that point. I sort of laid there half dead and Hailey curled up against me and fell asleep. I didn't get up until 12:35, and when I did, I went upstairs, grabbed food, and turned on a movie. Becca was playing Unreal Tournament at that time and Hayden was occupied elsewhere. So we've watched two movies, cleaned up the living room and kitchen. I showered and Becca's making dinner.

Tonight's the season premier of "So You Think You Can Dance"... Somehow I really feel like I'm getting my fill of inane tv shows as well as movies now. :P And on the subject of inane TV shows, Kris Allen should never have won Idol, but Adam Lambert will definitely do better in the music industry and get signed immediately anyway, so who cares? Oh, and Idol season 9 auditions are being held in:

Boston: Gillette Stadium

Atlanta: Georgia Dome

Chicago: United Center

Dallas: Cowboys Stadium

Los Angeles: Rose Bowl

Orlando: Amway Arena

Denver: INVESCO Field

So did anybody besides me catch that last one? *whistles innocently* Hey, I never said I would make it, but I may as well try out with the other pitiful thousands just so I can say I did, if I'm still here by that point (Dates not decided yet). :P Thirty seconds of fame, and whatnot. *grin* Still, I would've liked to have done so with Elya or Daer or somebody, but I couldn't find any rules permitting (or denying) duets, and I don't know if she'll be here or not. :P And yes, I've already picked the song I have to sing a capella for a minute or less and no, it's not common at all that I know of. :P

Speaking of songs, my new favorite lullaby of the month: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICUlBNrDUgk


Ho hum. Now I'm just rambling. :P So I'll let y'all go back to your happy existences.

The Last Week Of Life As We Know It

It's a Tuesday. For some reason, Tuesdays aren't my best day of the week. Probably the highlight about this one is coffee and the anticipation of Raen's vlog. 

I'm now down to my final week to prepare. I have to be at the airport at 4:30 in the morning, so I essentially have this last week instead of an eighth day.

Sorting all my music is taking a LOT longer than I had thought. I probably shouldn't have waited through the first two weeks, but I've never done this before... Oh well. :P 

Let's see... what else is there to ramble about? Yes, I really am trying not to freak out on you... it's psychotic here in my head... And I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to do what I'm leaving to do, terrified that I'll stay here, terrified that I'll take too much, terrified that I'll leave something behind...

This is pointless. :oops: I'm going to disappear now and hope you know what I'm talking about.

I'm sorry. I really am.

I've spoken to some of you, and I realize that the walls around me aren't just hurting me and keeping me from healing, but they're also hurting you. I really never meant to hurt you.

For an example, I know that for awhile now, one of my friends that I consider to be practically a sister has been going through a rough time and she burdens herself unnecessarily. (You know it's true...) Whenever she gets on, I try to avoid really talking to her, afraid I'll make it worse. Well, that fear has begun keeping me from TRYING to be there for people. I failed her, never even doing so much as giving her a hug and telling her I love her and I'm praying for her.

So this is an apology, an official one... to my Valier, my Angels, even the ones I've never named aloud, to all my friends. Daer, Ema, Raen, Matt, Mar, Tel, Obi, Legolas, everyone... I'm really truly sorry.

I'm so sorry for shutting you out. I really do love you, and I know I failed you by not even trying to reach out to you. I'm sorry for not talking to you about what was going on with me, I'm sorry for not talking about what was going on with you. I'm sorry for splitting us so far apart, for killing the Lissë you knew. The walls are going to take time to come down. And I realize you probably don't have the time to want to try to put up with me all over again. But I do want to be there for you... if you want me to come home, I will. I really do love you, and I really am so sorry.

Lost Inside The Walls You've Built

Seventh Day Slumber ~ "Missing Pages"

Hawk Nelson ~ "Somebody Else"

This is my world today... "No one knows you anymore, you're lost inside the walls you've built." "I used to be somebody else, I'm holding out for a good reason. The people around me, they all seem to tell me that I tend to change like the seasons..."

Are my walls really all that wrong? I'm protecting my friends from the ones who can't take what lies inside, keeping myself safe for their sakes. 

There's a reason I sharpie my hair, a reason I write love on my arms. It vents the monster out, keeping the ocean of bitter words from drowning me and mine alive. They are the sandbags that build the wall of protection around the people I love. The walls keep the monster down.

I don't want to be who I was. I may have been happy, I may have been free. But I hurt people beyond reckoning. I was a jerk and a selfish brat, always running far away from anything that ever hurt me. 

If I let those walls down, who's to say that the monster won't eat them alive? I face the monster down and tell it I'm loved and cared for every single night, and when I get up in the morning I wrap myself up in the knowledge that I'm wanted and needed and I'm HUMAN, not the monster I stare at. 

I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm that lost inside the walls, but if the walls come down... the monster comes out. Just bear with me while I climb on top of this labyrinth.

**

Lay down your sweet and weary head.

Night is falling, you have come to journey's end.

Sleep now and dream of the ones who came before.

They are calling from across the distant shore.

Why do you weep? What are these tears upon your face?

Soon you will see all of your fears will pass away.

Safe in my arms, you're only sleeping

What can you see on the horizon?

Why do the white gulls call?

Across the sea, a pale moon rises.

The ships have come to carry you home.

And all will turn to silver glass,

a light on the water, all souls pass.

Hope fades into the world of night

through shadows falling out of memory and time.

Don't say we have come now to the end. 

White shores are calling, you and I will meet again

and you'll be here in my arms, just sleeping.

What can you see on the horizon?

Why do the white gulls call?

Across the sea, a pale moon rises.

The ships have come to carry you home.

And all will turn to silver glass.

A light on the water, grey ships pass

into the West.

Im meleth le, van Oré Vala nîn. Always and Forever. No matter what.

My Life Be Like

Yeah... some days are like this... I suppose it's to be expected of life. But there are days. 

ooh ahh ooh ooh...

It's times like these that make me say

lord if you see me please come my way

leavin bread crumbs for when I stray

rely on sacrifice and the price you paid

feel me like a fingertip

sometimes I fall I slip

my heartfelt desire to be more like you

tryin not to quench your fire by the things that I do

on a island by my lonesome stranded

low key and stayin candid

reflect on all the things I try my hand at

search for the equations to persuasions I'm used to

findin comfort in the zones of closet bones I get loose to

a mountainous fontaine

spinnin and monsoonin

grinnin it's high octane

explosive how I came

rollin down hills cause life's a hassle

encircled by my folly like a moat surrounds a castle

stay afloat catch a second wind

thin is the air I breathe

teary eyed nose runnin

wipe the snot on my sleeve

I'm callin on my savior to be all that I need

please forgive me

my behavior had me lost at light speed

the fear of never fallin in love

and the tears after losin the feelings 

of what you thought love was

like the dirt still up under the rug

bad characteristics

covered in Christ's blood

the joy of new birth 

and the pain of growing up

the bliss between givin my all

and givin up

the highs and lows 

paths and roads I chose

in the cold I froze

tryin to ease my woes

in this world of sin

clothes too thin to fend

so to God I send

words of help to win

in grumblings so deep 

letters could never express

so the sound of ooh ahh 

beneath my breath projects...

As you can tell... it kind of fits my whole month thus far... 

*rubs neck* I wish I was stronger, sometimes... like maybe I wouldn't break down over nothing... 

To Tag Friends In Pictures On Facebook

Okay, so I know I probably overcomplicate this. We have a series of pics going around where there are like twenty or thirty characters in each pic and we tag a friend for each...

Well, as you can imagine, I'm struggling a lot with this... It's driving me crazy. It takes me forever to actually get around to doing anything when it comes to tagging photos like this... I have five on my desktop. Just now getting started with the Super Smash Bros. Brawl pics. 

I put so much thought into these... and chances are they'll turn out all wrong. 

So feel free to laugh at me. :P I don't mind. 

Is go dte tu mo mhuirnin slan.

Translation: And safe for aye may my darling be.

My prayer for all my friends tonight.

Recalling the facts

Yeah, it's true. I temporarily forget several important things. First of all, the fact that I'm Sane has not crossed my mind in three years. The reminder that I wanted to race in NASCAR once only comes up once a week, and even then it's like, "oh yeah, didn't I want to do that someday? oops"

Oh yeah, and I forget I'm a teenage girl. 

Seriously. I remember being human. I do. I remember being female in the gender sense. But in terms of personality, I cannot remember that I'm a teenage girl. Yakking on the phone is not a fun thing, it's a communication device to be taken and used at will. Brushing out hair in the morning is not a "how do I intend to style this to reflect my personality?", it is a "meh, this is getting too long again to be functionally useful. I wonder if getting it cut a tad shorter with more layers would keep it from getting in my way for a little while longer?"

Today, the fact is impossible to avoid. 

I wake up. I have my black tank top on with SPARKLES everywhere! I love this shirt. Well, it's in the fifties out, and I want something on my arms. So I tie on the removable sleeves from my homemade 'ren-esque' dress to the straps of my tank top. Nice big flares on my jeans. And pink stripes in my hair that are fading to a strawberry color. I hate getting up in the mornings when I feel lousy, so makeup usually helps. Concealer is thrown on and glitter is sparkled over my cheeks and on my eyelids. Better.

Still doing iffy. Get up. Talk to a friend for awhile. Feel better. :woot: 

Then I'm bored. So I watch an anime while talking to an adopted older brother. I quote: 

he: researches death ray prices

me: WHY?!

he: It'll only kill moths... probably... pop balloons and light matches...

me: looks like I might be in trouble then.

he: are you a moth? a match? a balloon? no.

me: yup.

he: you are also my little sister and therefore my evil powers will be used to protect you.

I read the above line at the same time the main male lead character says to the MC: "Never forget that you're a girl!" (he's scolding her about being reckless)

The reminders today that I'm a teenage girl and supposedly pretty helpless are everywhere. Oh joy. Oh rapture. Would you mind terribly if I sped through this next year to get to my twentieth birthday? *bile rises at that thought* Nevermind. I'm going BACK in time to my TWELFTH birthday and staying there. And I'm taking my friends with me.

Mlek. I hate this cough. Perhaps I should change that to *phlegm rises*.

The facts: 18, almost 19. Sick. Starved to death for the bacon Mom's cooking. In desperate need of a solution to this story I've been writing. Teenage girl. Hardly helpless.

The miracles: Many. The first and not last was today, a dear friend returned home after running away, and she found Him. :D The Lord is good and faithful.