Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The Last Week Of Life As We Know It

It's a Tuesday. For some reason, Tuesdays aren't my best day of the week. Probably the highlight about this one is coffee and the anticipation of Raen's vlog. 

I'm now down to my final week to prepare. I have to be at the airport at 4:30 in the morning, so I essentially have this last week instead of an eighth day.

Sorting all my music is taking a LOT longer than I had thought. I probably shouldn't have waited through the first two weeks, but I've never done this before... Oh well. :P 

Let's see... what else is there to ramble about? Yes, I really am trying not to freak out on you... it's psychotic here in my head... And I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to do what I'm leaving to do, terrified that I'll stay here, terrified that I'll take too much, terrified that I'll leave something behind...

This is pointless. :oops: I'm going to disappear now and hope you know what I'm talking about.

Monday, April 6, 2009

I'm sorry. I really am.

I've spoken to some of you, and I realize that the walls around me aren't just hurting me and keeping me from healing, but they're also hurting you. I really never meant to hurt you.

For an example, I know that for awhile now, one of my friends that I consider to be practically a sister has been going through a rough time and she burdens herself unnecessarily. (You know it's true...) Whenever she gets on, I try to avoid really talking to her, afraid I'll make it worse. Well, that fear has begun keeping me from TRYING to be there for people. I failed her, never even doing so much as giving her a hug and telling her I love her and I'm praying for her.

So this is an apology, an official one... to my Valier, my Angels, even the ones I've never named aloud, to all my friends. Daer, Ema, Raen, Matt, Mar, Tel, Obi, Legolas, everyone... I'm really truly sorry.

I'm so sorry for shutting you out. I really do love you, and I know I failed you by not even trying to reach out to you. I'm sorry for not talking to you about what was going on with me, I'm sorry for not talking about what was going on with you. I'm sorry for splitting us so far apart, for killing the Lissë you knew. The walls are going to take time to come down. And I realize you probably don't have the time to want to try to put up with me all over again. But I do want to be there for you... if you want me to come home, I will. I really do love you, and I really am so sorry.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Lost Inside The Walls You've Built

Seventh Day Slumber ~ "Missing Pages"
Hawk Nelson ~ "Somebody Else"

This is my world today... "No one knows you anymore, you're lost inside the walls you've built." "I used to be somebody else, I'm holding out for a good reason. The people around me, they all seem to tell me that I tend to change like the seasons..."

Are my walls really all that wrong? I'm protecting my friends from the ones who can't take what lies inside, keeping myself safe for their sakes. 

There's a reason I sharpie my hair, a reason I write love on my arms. It vents the monster out, keeping the ocean of bitter words from drowning me and mine alive. They are the sandbags that build the wall of protection around the people I love. The walls keep the monster down.

I don't want to be who I was. I may have been happy, I may have been free. But I hurt people beyond reckoning. I was a jerk and a selfish brat, always running far away from anything that ever hurt me. 

If I let those walls down, who's to say that the monster won't eat them alive? I face the monster down and tell it I'm loved and cared for every single night, and when I get up in the morning I wrap myself up in the knowledge that I'm wanted and needed and I'm HUMAN, not the monster I stare at. 

I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm that lost inside the walls, but if the walls come down... the monster comes out. Just bear with me while I climb on top of this labyrinth.