The Last Week Of Life As We Know It

It's a Tuesday. For some reason, Tuesdays aren't my best day of the week. Probably the highlight about this one is coffee and the anticipation of Raen's vlog. 

I'm now down to my final week to prepare. I have to be at the airport at 4:30 in the morning, so I essentially have this last week instead of an eighth day.

Sorting all my music is taking a LOT longer than I had thought. I probably shouldn't have waited through the first two weeks, but I've never done this before... Oh well. :P 

Let's see... what else is there to ramble about? Yes, I really am trying not to freak out on you... it's psychotic here in my head... And I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to do what I'm leaving to do, terrified that I'll stay here, terrified that I'll take too much, terrified that I'll leave something behind...

This is pointless. :oops: I'm going to disappear now and hope you know what I'm talking about.

I'm sorry. I really am.

I've spoken to some of you, and I realize that the walls around me aren't just hurting me and keeping me from healing, but they're also hurting you. I really never meant to hurt you.

For an example, I know that for awhile now, one of my friends that I consider to be practically a sister has been going through a rough time and she burdens herself unnecessarily. (You know it's true...) Whenever she gets on, I try to avoid really talking to her, afraid I'll make it worse. Well, that fear has begun keeping me from TRYING to be there for people. I failed her, never even doing so much as giving her a hug and telling her I love her and I'm praying for her.

So this is an apology, an official one... to my Valier, my Angels, even the ones I've never named aloud, to all my friends. Daer, Ema, Raen, Matt, Mar, Tel, Obi, Legolas, everyone... I'm really truly sorry.

I'm so sorry for shutting you out. I really do love you, and I know I failed you by not even trying to reach out to you. I'm sorry for not talking to you about what was going on with me, I'm sorry for not talking about what was going on with you. I'm sorry for splitting us so far apart, for killing the Lissë you knew. The walls are going to take time to come down. And I realize you probably don't have the time to want to try to put up with me all over again. But I do want to be there for you... if you want me to come home, I will. I really do love you, and I really am so sorry.

Lost Inside The Walls You've Built

Seventh Day Slumber ~ "Missing Pages"

Hawk Nelson ~ "Somebody Else"

This is my world today... "No one knows you anymore, you're lost inside the walls you've built." "I used to be somebody else, I'm holding out for a good reason. The people around me, they all seem to tell me that I tend to change like the seasons..."

Are my walls really all that wrong? I'm protecting my friends from the ones who can't take what lies inside, keeping myself safe for their sakes. 

There's a reason I sharpie my hair, a reason I write love on my arms. It vents the monster out, keeping the ocean of bitter words from drowning me and mine alive. They are the sandbags that build the wall of protection around the people I love. The walls keep the monster down.

I don't want to be who I was. I may have been happy, I may have been free. But I hurt people beyond reckoning. I was a jerk and a selfish brat, always running far away from anything that ever hurt me. 

If I let those walls down, who's to say that the monster won't eat them alive? I face the monster down and tell it I'm loved and cared for every single night, and when I get up in the morning I wrap myself up in the knowledge that I'm wanted and needed and I'm HUMAN, not the monster I stare at. 

I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm that lost inside the walls, but if the walls come down... the monster comes out. Just bear with me while I climb on top of this labyrinth.

**

Lay down your sweet and weary head.

Night is falling, you have come to journey's end.

Sleep now and dream of the ones who came before.

They are calling from across the distant shore.

Why do you weep? What are these tears upon your face?

Soon you will see all of your fears will pass away.

Safe in my arms, you're only sleeping

What can you see on the horizon?

Why do the white gulls call?

Across the sea, a pale moon rises.

The ships have come to carry you home.

And all will turn to silver glass,

a light on the water, all souls pass.

Hope fades into the world of night

through shadows falling out of memory and time.

Don't say we have come now to the end. 

White shores are calling, you and I will meet again

and you'll be here in my arms, just sleeping.

What can you see on the horizon?

Why do the white gulls call?

Across the sea, a pale moon rises.

The ships have come to carry you home.

And all will turn to silver glass.

A light on the water, grey ships pass

into the West.

Im meleth le, van Oré Vala nîn. Always and Forever. No matter what.

My Life Be Like

Yeah... some days are like this... I suppose it's to be expected of life. But there are days. 

ooh ahh ooh ooh...

It's times like these that make me say

lord if you see me please come my way

leavin bread crumbs for when I stray

rely on sacrifice and the price you paid

feel me like a fingertip

sometimes I fall I slip

my heartfelt desire to be more like you

tryin not to quench your fire by the things that I do

on a island by my lonesome stranded

low key and stayin candid

reflect on all the things I try my hand at

search for the equations to persuasions I'm used to

findin comfort in the zones of closet bones I get loose to

a mountainous fontaine

spinnin and monsoonin

grinnin it's high octane

explosive how I came

rollin down hills cause life's a hassle

encircled by my folly like a moat surrounds a castle

stay afloat catch a second wind

thin is the air I breathe

teary eyed nose runnin

wipe the snot on my sleeve

I'm callin on my savior to be all that I need

please forgive me

my behavior had me lost at light speed

the fear of never fallin in love

and the tears after losin the feelings 

of what you thought love was

like the dirt still up under the rug

bad characteristics

covered in Christ's blood

the joy of new birth 

and the pain of growing up

the bliss between givin my all

and givin up

the highs and lows 

paths and roads I chose

in the cold I froze

tryin to ease my woes

in this world of sin

clothes too thin to fend

so to God I send

words of help to win

in grumblings so deep 

letters could never express

so the sound of ooh ahh 

beneath my breath projects...

As you can tell... it kind of fits my whole month thus far... 

*rubs neck* I wish I was stronger, sometimes... like maybe I wouldn't break down over nothing... 

To Tag Friends In Pictures On Facebook

Okay, so I know I probably overcomplicate this. We have a series of pics going around where there are like twenty or thirty characters in each pic and we tag a friend for each...

Well, as you can imagine, I'm struggling a lot with this... It's driving me crazy. It takes me forever to actually get around to doing anything when it comes to tagging photos like this... I have five on my desktop. Just now getting started with the Super Smash Bros. Brawl pics. 

I put so much thought into these... and chances are they'll turn out all wrong. 

So feel free to laugh at me. :P I don't mind. 

Is go dte tu mo mhuirnin slan.

Translation: And safe for aye may my darling be.

My prayer for all my friends tonight.